This is weird and really stupid.
I think sharing and being open about what your life is like is powerful and beautiful, even when what you’re revealing is horrible. That’s why I blog what I blog and talk about what I talk about. I’ve had those conversations where my self-dating project doesn’t land with a person, where I “have issues” and I shouldn’t text myself the running score of the playoff game (which is still one of the sweetest things anyone can do for me so why shouldn’t I do it for myself?)
Heck, I have this conversation with myself every time I work on this project. But instead of discouraging me, “this is stupid” has become something of a prompt that there might be something worthwhile here. Much like “this scares me to death” means I should probably go for it. Continue reading
One of the craziest things to come out of taking the Communication Course was the realization that I don’t actually like myself.
I like the things I do. I like snowboarding and singing and doing improv and trying new restaurants. I like challenging myself and consistently pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I like helping people and creating events that leave people loved and happy.
But I realize a big reason why I do those things is because I’m trying to escape myself. Or I’m trying to make up for something I can never ever make up for. When I don’t do those things, when I’m not doing anything in particular and just being… I don’t like the creature that’s there.
In some ways, it’s sort of funny because I love a great deal of you just because you’re you and sometimes in spite of the crazy shit that you do. I don’t even know half the things you do outside of our time together and I love you just fine. I just haven’t given myself the same space.
I still relate to myself as someone who’s violent and insensitive even though the incident that I got that from happened about 20 years ago. (I was playing a prank on a kid. Instead, he got stitches in his forehead.) I live a great deal of my life in fear that I’m gonna hurt someone accidentally, or that I don’t understand human beings enough to be able to deal with them.
It seems fitting, considering the title of this blog and declaring #5 for the new year, that the first challenge of 2014 is to fall in love with myself.
I am now officially in a relationship with myself and I’m going on at least one date per week. There will be loving sticky notes and affirmations, laughter and forgiveness.
How to Date Yourself in 10 Ways
The Secret to Self Loving
31 Days of Self-Love
Thank you to Wayne and Ruth for the guidance, encouragement, and ideas. 🙂
(Photo credit: Eugene)
My farewell party has probably been in the works since July, when I first planned to make it to South Korea in August 2013. I wanted to create this mega event where I could gather up my entire life and put them all in one space at one time. It was a chance to look hard at where I’d been, where I was now, celebrate the journey and acknowledge all the people I met along the way who helped me get here.
I pulled out all the stops. For once in my life, I thought about what I wanted and actually allowed myself to have it. I set aside all my thoughts about how I didn’t deserve getting what I wanted, that getting what I wanted was always worse than what my imagination came up with… and let it all go.
My initial thought was to see if there was anyone I could hand off the actual planning of the event to, but by the time I got around to thinking of who I wanted to ask, I already knew what my party was going to look like and what I wanted to do. I put my vision down in a spreadsheet, along with any actions I had to take to make it happen. Now it was just about getting into action and shaking the universe down until what I wanted fell out of it and at my feet.
This is how it came together.
Resolutions aren’t just for New Year’s: they’re for every day. So is living with intention, with integrity and with courage.
So here are five things that will happen in 2014. Because I say they will.
1. I will be fluent in Korean by my birthday.
2. I will visit at least five countries in Asia.
3. I will finally go bungee jumping.
4. I will be famous.
5. I will collaborate and create a beautiful romantic relationship with someone amazing.