One of the craziest things to come out of taking the Communication Course was the realization that I don’t actually like myself.
I like the things I do. I like snowboarding and singing and doing improv and trying new restaurants. I like challenging myself and consistently pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I like helping people and creating events that leave people loved and happy.
But I realize a big reason why I do those things is because I’m trying to escape myself. Or I’m trying to make up for something I can never ever make up for. When I don’t do those things, when I’m not doing anything in particular and just being… I don’t like the creature that’s there.
In some ways, it’s sort of funny because I love a great deal of you just because you’re you and sometimes in spite of the crazy shit that you do. I don’t even know half the things you do outside of our time together and I love you just fine. I just haven’t given myself the same space.
I still relate to myself as someone who’s violent and insensitive even though the incident that I got that from happened about 20 years ago. (I was playing a prank on a kid. Instead, he got stitches in his forehead.) I live a great deal of my life in fear that I’m gonna hurt someone accidentally, or that I don’t understand human beings enough to be able to deal with them.
It seems fitting, considering the title of this blog and declaring #5 for the new year, that the first challenge of 2014 is to fall in love with myself.
I am now officially in a relationship with myself and I’m going on at least one date per week. There will be loving sticky notes and affirmations, laughter and forgiveness.
Thank you to Wayne and Ruth for the guidance, encouragement, and ideas. 🙂