This is weird and really stupid.
I think sharing and being open about what your life is like is powerful and beautiful, even when what you’re revealing is horrible. That’s why I blog what I blog and talk about what I talk about. I’ve had those conversations where my self-dating project doesn’t land with a person, where I “have issues” and I shouldn’t text myself the running score of the playoff game (which is still one of the sweetest things anyone can do for me so why shouldn’t I do it for myself?)
Heck, I have this conversation with myself every time I work on this project. But instead of discouraging me, “this is stupid” has become something of a prompt that there might be something worthwhile here. Much like “this scares me to death” means I should probably go for it.
So I took out some sticky notes and wrote out all those messages I’ve always wanted someone to give me or that I’ve always wanted to give to someone.
I read them every time I come near my door. My breath goes out like a whooooosh when I do, it’s so relaxing.
I stand in front of the mirror, look myself in the eye, and say, “I love you. I love me. :D” about as many times as it takes to sink in. I compliment myself on my curls, on my clear skin, on my colorful outfit. The effect is instant: I giggle, I shuffle, I feel all of 12 years old, embarrassed but oh so very warm.
The best part about it is that there is no second guessing. I’ve been living in a world where every kind gesture and every compliment seemed to me like they were made in order to get something. But I know these particular acts of love are genuine because I know the mind of the person doing them. Makes me hope that we do live in a world where kind gestures and compliments really are just that.
Forgiving myself continues to be the most challenging piece of all. I like the suggestion of becoming my own best friend. When a friend tells me about the hard circumstances they’re going through, it’s easy for me to be soothing, to reassure them that they’re more than a match for the difficulties in their life and to encourage them in the pursuit of their ideas and dreams. So now I do that to myself in the mirror, looking myself in the eye, and forgiving myself for fucking up so badly. It doesn’t always work; it’ll soothe me for a few hours until the horrible things that I’ve done come back to me. Guess I just gotta keep saying it until it is forgiven.